I have no alcohol and it feels terrible

I’m a little desperate right now. I’m still hypomanic (I got my vocabulary right), but I often have these moments when just a little thing ruins my entire day because I’m putting way too much thought into it.

Anyway, today is a weird day. I did a few things here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. I checked my bank account to see whether I got my taxes from 2015 back (you have to pay them, but you get them back if you stay under a limit of whatever) and I actually did. On my way back I passed by a local store where I could have bought some cheap alcohol (in fact, this was my intention when I left home) but I didn’t. I know I need to keep my money together and saving on alcohol seems like a smart thing to do.

I now regret this decision. Last year on this very day, my best friend of all times, a beautiful dog by the name of Nicky, died in my arms. I lit a candle for her, but it died twenty minutes afterwards because I only had a cheap one around that always drowns itself in its own wax. I talked to her and told her how much I still love her. I still don’t really get that she’s gone now.
Now I’m sitting here, already depressed, and listen to Jaguar. And in the background, I can hear how my mother and my little sister are mad at the rabbit because he (for whatever reason) keeps peeing everywhere. This makes me sad. I don’t know whether this little guy knows what he (in their eyes) did wrong. He is quite a smart guy so maybe he has a good reason to do this.

So, I’m basically sad because of today’s date and I don’t understand why people are angry at our little guy. My head hurts for whatever reason and I’m sitting here, listening to Jaguar. Can you understand why I want to get wasted?
A couple months ago, while depressed, I spent my Saturday evenings in my room, headphones plugged into my amp, playing bass to an Alestorm concert while taking swigs of rum whenever I could. I did this for a couple weeks, maybe five. Sometimes I started doing this in the morning already. It was the same concert every time because Alestorm make such a happy music that is a lot of fun (and makes me forget my problems).
This may not have been my proudest time, but at least I couldn’t grasp the problems I have (kind of like “I won’t find the answer but I will forget the problem”). At least I didn’t have suicidal thoughts while being drunk. I don’t intend to end it soon, but the thoughts are often present.

But today hasn’t been an entire mess. I helped my big sister disassemble her closet because she’s going to move soon. I was weight lifting. I got my little sister’s birthday present done. I continued cleaning up my room. I’m getting stuff done, but right now – and especially today – is just not my prime time.

My dearest friend, may your soul find peace after such uneasy last days that have been full of disease. I will see you again on the other side.

and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
-Revelation 21:4

Stay alive.

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This is my little beauty. She’s the most precious being I have ever come across.

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Dreaming of better dreams

Just yesterday I’ve had kind of a weird dream. I woke up around 8am (university begins in about a month and I have freetime until then) and decided to go back to sleep.

From what I remember, I was in my room and it was all messed up. Even more than it already is. I knew that somebody had been in my room and moved things around. I thought it was my sister because she had been in my room and opened the window while I was on vacation. She moved just a tiny little bit because it was in her way and I realized it.
Since I thought it was my sister who moved things around, I decided to lock my door this night. For some reason I actually felt threatened by her. When closing the door, I was stupid enough to not be able to do it on the first try, but when I eventually managed to lock it, my sister asked me for the key. My room and the bathroom have, for whatever reason, the same lock (which corresponds to reality). She wanted to go to the bathroom. And for whatever reason, she needed my key to do so.I didn’t want to open the door because I knew something was wrong and I proved my point by showing her how my bible was lying underneath things. I never put anything ontop of my bible because it doesn’t feel right. And I don’t know how I showed her stuff ontop of my bible while my room was locked.
After all, I gave her the key (unlocked my door to do so) and she went to the bathroom. Admittedly, she took a slightly unusual way – that is, a stairway down to get to a room that’s level with where we were – and she came back through the actual bathroom door. But I don’t think this matters.
While my door was unlocked, I felt threatened and being exposed to harm. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t figure out what. I lit a candle and put it on the ground and then a thought struck me – satan is messing with me and thirsting for my life.
My initial thought was to do sort of an exorcistic thing and drive him out of my room, but I feared looking him straight in the eye. Nevertheless, I felt well guarded by the spirit of God. So I was standing in my room, with a candle lit, and no other light source around. I felt the threatening power of satan but also the protection God gave me in this situation.
I stayed in my room, basically constantly hugging God and just leaving satan where he was. Eventually, he would go away.
That’s when I woke up and I was shocked by this dream because it felt so real.

Now on to what I managed to come up with in terms of interpretation…

First off, my sister. I should mention that, when I’m manic, I tend to be a little ‘paranoid’, although that term is not 100% fitting. I like taking photos and looked for opporunities to send them to magazines and stuff so that people can see them. I had a couple tabs of such magazines open in my browser and left the computer with my browser minimized because I had something more important to do. She thought I was done and closed them – when I couldn’t find my tabs anymore I felt a little betrayed and I thought she was trying to hinder me on what I’m doing. Manipulating what I like doing might be a proper description.
Anyway, that’s probably why I suspected her at first. It’s amazing how my fucked up mind makes it into my dreams.

The more important part is my fear, I think. Maybe I can think about a different way of interpreting this part, maybe someone else has another attempt on it, but from what I have reasoned together so far, my fear of satan shows two things.
I think it’s normal to be afraid of bad and evil things that mean no good for you. I think most people wouldn’t want to face this serpent at any point in their lives.
However, in retrospect, this scenario showed me that my faith is still far from what I would like it to be. I was afraid satan could harm or seduce me which is a sign that I doubted God could help me in this situation. To put it in simpler terms – “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” (Matthew 8:26). That’s what I think it means. I grew up with lots of hatred in my heart and I have lost God a long time ago and never really got Him to know. It is easy for a blind man to see for the first time, but it is hard for a man that has been blindened to find the light of his eyes again.

In addition, since I was holding on to the Holy Spirit to protect me whilst satan was around, I got shown that God won’t doubt us even if we doubt Him sometimes. I have been told that God will never give up on me, no matter how tough things are getting (which applies to anybody else, too). I was afraid that satan could harm me if I had had to face him and I was afraid God couldn’t help me, but He was still there to comfort me and gave me this warm feeling of being protected.

I want to be able to face satan without fear and to drive him out of my life once and for all. I know this won’t happen until my faith is stronger than now and ever before. I want to grow in faith because I know that, one day, I will have to face satan’s temptations and I don’t want to see my future self giving in to those.

It’s 11.30pm now and although I’m not really tired, my brain hits CPU limits sooner than it should.
Lots of love, stay strong and stay alive.

I’m out of titles.

So, I’ve been on vacation for two weeks and I learnt how to be a lazy piece of sh*t. In all seriousness, it was way too warm for me (like, 30° Celsius) and we were at the beach and I was just lying in our tent’s shadow, trying not to die.
In addition, there were jellyfish in the water. Of all animals I know, there are only three that I sincerely hate. Big, fat bugs. Big spiders. Jellyfish.

But I think this vacation was worth it because I took some really nice pictures (which can actually be found on my amazing new DeviantArt-Account).
The downside of this is that I now lack a lot of motivation to do things I used to do before. I guess I just need a week to get back together.

All in all, nothing too interesting has happened since my last post. I have happy-time right now and I don’t even remember the correct term for it. Like, the scientific term. One of the major drawbacks I see in this is this thing called hypersexuality which nobody told me about when I signed up. It sucks. It’s a major reason I keep falling for the lust of the flesh. But other than that, I’m fine right now and I’m excited to start studying next month.

I feel how my mind is jumping from one thought to the next. Whenever I want to look something up because I need to know the details, I forget about it within minutes. I am capable of spending hours doing the same stupid thing simply because I find it interesting although it’s the most boring and useless stuff I could ever be doing. I’m not saying that I’m browsing reddit 24/7, but more like 12/7.

One last thing I would like to say – A big thank you to the Silent Planet guys. This happy-time right now was introduced by a comparable weak but still impacting breakdown. I felt hopeless and tried to talk to somebody, but I couldn’t find anyone. In retrospect, I should’ve known that because it was midnight. I wrote them a message on facebook and they response was heartwarming, even though it was only a few sentences long. I felt like there was a purpose to all of this.
If you are into Metalcore, definitely give them a listen. They are an amazing band with lots of fresh energy and deep lyrics about a multitude of things I can’t even list right now. Plus, they are full of love. Just look them up on youtube and you’ll find a treasure of epicness.

Lots of love,
and stay alive.

7,305 days old

So, today I’ve got this birthday thing, which means that I’m now 7,305 days old. If it wasn’t for leap years, I would score an even 7,300 days, but no.
This year has been a blast already. On July 23, I celebrated my 175,000th birthhour (at 1.59pm, to be precise), and today, I’m turning 20 years old (at 9.59pm).

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about that. Last night, somewhere between 0.30 and 2.30, I drew my path through this last year. I probably forgot a couple things (e.g. April 6, when I created this blog) but it’s getting close. And since it was the middle of the night, I thought there were two L’s in “already”.
After drawing that path, I decided to draw a graph representing my moods (approximated) during this year. Obviously, it’s a sin-function, multiplied with the tan of x if the cos of x is a square of a power of two divided by the cube root of seven over ten, and if the cos of x is the square root of a cubed number to which you’ve added pi to the four over six, you simply take the whole function, multiply it with i over pi, add e to the square of sin x and substract the diameter of the universe in inches. Factorial.

But seriously, this thing even makes sense, at least if my memory isn’t too bad.
The quality of the picture isn’t really good, but it was dark outside and I only have warmwhite light bulbs in my room.

That’s it for today. Love you all. Stay alive.

 

 

No stress equals almost no bad (so far)

I recently found out that the university accepted my application for studying maths and English. That’s nice. I will begin studying on October 17, I think. The semester officially begins on October 1, but for some reason, lectures only begin two weeks later.

During the last few weeks, I have tried keeping myself out of stressful situations because it feels like they are some kind of trigger. So far, it has worked wonderfully, and even a rather stressful scenario went fairly well and without aftermath. I’ve met up with a few guys from the former advanced physics class and our teacher, and I was fairly nervous because that’s kind of a thing where you have to be social which isn’t exactly my strength.
The most stress I’ve had actually was because of non-existant reasons. My head simply goes mad from time to time, for whatever reason, and emotions like fear and anger rush through my veins. I don’t know why, I don’t have a reason to be anxious or upset, but this gives me a reason to hate myself. Then, however, I like to listen to music and it makes me feel good again… the impact of music on my life is astonishing, even to myself. I doubt I would still be alive without the grace of music, but that’s another story.

Just to keep myself from falling apart, I’m trying to give in to some “temptations”, which are eating a bag of chips (crisps, @Britain) or a bar of chocolate (like, 100g) in no time because it makes me happy. I’m not eating enough anyways, so at least it won’t be obvious I’m doing this.

So, yeah, keep eating unhealthy junk because it’s awesome. But not too much of it, because I would like you all to stay alive.

Maybe I’m gonna be a teacher. Maybe not.

The last couple days have been rather weird for me. It feels like I’m slowly falling into that hole again. When I went to bed on Saturday and Sunday, I cried because I miss my dog so much. She died in my arms on September 30, 2015 and it still fills me with uneffable yet agonizing pain. May the Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace. I will see her again on the other side of the rainbow bridge. But I don’t want to cry right now which is why I’m not going to go into more detail about that…

I have officially applied for studying mathematics and English. Ideally, I will graduate in 4.5 years with the first Staatsexamen (translates to state examination). I don’t really know what I’m going to do afterwards but I have lots of time to think about that. Right now I’m aware of two possible outcomes and I would like to ramble a little about them.

First of all, during the third or fourth semester – depending on personal preference – I will officially go to school for the first time. For three months, I will watch other teachers do their job and, about at the end of the second month, I will be teaching a class under a teacher’s guidance. Depending on how well these three months go, I will decide what I will do after the first Staatsexamen.
If I like teaching as much as I think I do, I will apply for a Referandariat, which just is the practical part of a teacher’s education, where I will be doing normal teacher stuff for two years. After these two years there is the second Staatsexamen which would qualify me as a teacher. After the second Staatsexamen, there’s nothing that can stop you from teaching (except for not finding a job).
If I eventually find out that I don’t like teaching at all (for whatever reason) or if I end up desiring a scientific career instead, then the first Staatsexamen itself is a valid degree with which I can apply for promotion and become a doctor of mathematics. As such, there is no difference between me and a “normal” bachelor-master-doctor student and I have the very same possibilities (if not even more because then I would have a degree in English, too)

Whatever I do, I will end up being happy. I will either be teaching or researching. When I’m in a happy mood, I really dream of teaching, but when I hate every aspect of my life, I prefer being alone, doing maths. And when I’m sad and don’t think life is worth living anymore, there are only few things that keep me going.
I know that Jesus loves me and that he will always be there for me. Sometimes it’s tempting to take a shortcut to the kingdom of God by just ending it all prematurely, but there are still things that keep me here.
I wouldn’t be able to play bass guitar anymore. I would make my family cry, but I hate seeing people cry because I want everybody to be happy and not sad. I wouldn’t be able to do maths anymore. This sounds stupid but it’s what keeps me going. Those four things, basically. Faith, Music, Family, Maths.
In fact, I just wrote some sort of a paper on finding the x-values where a quadratic function equals zero. It’s nothing new but I got it all on my own which makes me happy because it showed me that I’m capable of this stuff. Writing scientific papers is weird and not as easy as I thought it would be (even in my native language) but I want to get better at it.

Talking about faith, I thought about the idea of tattoo a little more thoroughly. While I’m not going to get the big one I once wrote about yet (a cross on my neck with “Jumala on rakkaus” below), I would love to get one or two smaller ones. I’m not certain, yet, what exactly I want to have where, but my three favorites are ‘Sisu’, ‘Jeesus pelastaa’ [Jesus saves] and ‘Usko Herraan’ [Faith in the Lord].

And by now, I’m really tired. I’ve rambled enough for now and it feels good to just put some random thoughts out there where maybe someone reads them, but none of those readers knows me personally. There are no limits to what I can write because nobody can judge me, isn’t this amazing?

Stay in love, stay alive.

Nothing really important, just making decisions.

So, I recently got the form for changing my course of studies and I filled it in yesterday, I think. Now all I need to do is copy my school report, go to my city’s office and let them certify my copy. Additionally, I will receive a letter on Monday or Tuesday which testifies my language level is C1.
With those three things I will go to the sudents’ office, slam that stuff on their table and then quickly run away before I change my mind. Yes, that’s how I’m going to do it.

I’m pretty busy understanding this new future of mine, and whenever I have more of a down day, I question this decision. But then I remember that studying physics was my plan B and not something I desperately wanted to do. I really liked physics at school and even was in the advanced class, but at university, it’s totally different and doesn’t make fun anymore. I probably should have informed myself before enrolling, but I didn’t.
At least I have learnt from that mistake and I have to say that these last three months were quite cool although I didn’t pay much attention to the subject itself. Being around some amazing people that I got to know is an amazing experience and, from a social perspective, I’m very happy to have made this mistake.

This showed me that it’s not always bad to make wrong decisions. I may have lost one year in which I could have been productive in a career-related way just because I didn’t know what I want to do with my life, but after all this led me to my current situation and showed me what I really want to be.
We all carry the Holy Spirit in us and I think it is important that we let it guide us through life although it may not always be obvious what its intentions may be. That’s what this has taught me so far.

Stay alive.