Failing but fighting

This week, I went to the maths building and this time, I even found somebody who could actually give me my results (third time’s a charm). Turns out I only failed one exam, linear algebra. Studying four and a half days before the exam probably was not much of a good idea, but studying for the other exams was quite demanding because I didn’t really do anything during the semester. Now I’m doing maths for two or three hours every day (can’t really handle more) to prepare myself for a second try on 3rd April. I want to rant so badly about a certain faculty because they don’t make learning easy, but I will refrain from doing that… for now. Five out of six in one try isn’t too bad either, I think, especially considering somebody decided to put all these exams in a time frame of two weeks.

Apart from that, I’m feeling a little weird right now. For some reason, I either crave unhealthy food or want to harm myself. Don’t really know why the choice is between these two. Last weekend was the first time in four or five years I actually cut my forearm, but it had only been two months since I burnt myself the last time. Sucks quite a bit because it’s fairly warm right now (at least by my standards) and wearing even a thin jacket is not ideal. And all the junk food makes me chubby. I want to try to not get back into self-harm because, around midnight or so, I kinda realized that I’m defacing the image of God for no good reason. Yes, it does feel good, but I don’t think it’s worth it, as hard as resisting often is. Listening to this song is quite comforting, I think.

So, I’m gonna spend the next two weeks studying maths. During the semester break, I actually wanted to do research on pirates because I want to write an essay on how pirates are being romanticized and what they really were like. Seems like that has to wait a little longer.

Stay alive.

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