Emotions are confusing

So… I’m still waiting for the results of my last exam, although I suspect that there is a list somewhere and my prof just didn’t say anything about it. I’ll find out whether that’s the case tomorrow because  I’m gonna go to the main campus anyway and a little detour to the maths/IT building takes a maximum of 15 minutes.

During the last week, I’ve thought about emotions. Specifically, a question that apparently comes up fairly often in online forums – “Is it mania or do I really have a crush?”
But before that – story time: Last Sunday, some friends and I met up to partake in carnival celebrations (which translates to “drinking alcoholic beverages”). We were walking around in town (well, “town”) and got to know some weird but friendly people. At some point, we decided to take a break and settled down on a bench. A female friend who tore a ligament the other day and was walking on crutches was too slow to score a seat and had to stand. I looked at her and asked whether she would like to sit down (I was in a similar situation a couple years ago and know how much it sucks). She then proceeds to just sit on my lap. Yeah, I mean, why not? But drunk me is the most peaceful (and giggly) thing you’ll ever see and wanted to cuddle, so we cuddled. I didn’t think anything about it. When we all moved a couple minutes later, said female friend took absolute power over the bench and lied down on it. As I looked at her, I kinda felt this urge to be close to her and maybe even had this thought that I might possibly have a desire to kiss her.
I don’t know a whole lot about her. I’ve seen her maybe five or six times and just last Sunday I learnt her actual first name (she introduced herself with a nickname). The closest we ever got was while sitting on the ground somewhere, showing scars to each other.
I don’T know what is going on right now. I’m extremely unstable although the general direction seems to be rather uplifting. I therefore think that it might just be the beginning of another episode. About half a year ago, I was hypo, got in more of a mixed state in December (which might have been caused by Christmas as well) and have been in this weird state ever since. And unfortunately, the aforementioned online forums aren’t much of a helping hand either.
I would try and analyze this situation, but I must admit that I have very little experience with having a crush on someone and even less with really being in love. This thing has only happened once to me so far.
One might ask questions along the lines of “do you often think about her?” and the answer would be yes. Yes, because this feeling I had last Sunday was unusual and I keep thinking about it. But I was drunk and it might have been nothing more than a wish for less loneliness.
Another way to tackle this is to simply find out, I guess, but that… probably doesn’t really work either for multiple reasons. I’m socially awkward, even more so when I like someone. The presumably biggest obstacle that occurs to me, however, is a little more tricky. This entire plot has one critical twist. She is mostly into women. Like, 90% lesbian, if you will. Yah. I guess only time will tell, but knowing myself I don’t have the balls to make a move anyway. Any advice is appreciated.

Another thing I decided today is that I will try to not drink alcohol in excess anymore. I was out last night, managed to get home around 1 am and made myself breakfast at 12 pm, still unable to walk in a straight line and with shaky hands. I felt like shit which is weird because I’ve never had a hangover before.
Hangover + I do stupid things when drunk + health + faith = I should stop this. Trust me, I study maths. Now I just need to find a new way of coping with my life (quoting Snoop Dogg: “Don’t do drugs. Smoke weed”).

Stay alive.


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