Don’t you dare darken my doorstep, stranger

Yeah… uni is keeping me busy so far. Fortunately, all my classes are so nicely scheduled that I have Friday off. I use that one extra day to do revision of my maths class which really prevents my brain from doing anything else afterwards. But it’s a nice kind of brain-deadness and I feel good after understanding proofs that maybe aren’t the most difficult but still above average.

I’m getting used to my English classes, too, although they are somehow weird. I can’t really say why, they just are kind of out of my comfort zone. Especially one teacher (I don’t know what she officially is, but I really feel back to school in her classes) is very extroverted. That really makes me uncomfortable because I can’t stand someone talking endlessly and then demanding a response out of nothing. Despite that, she really is a friendly person and I’m glad I’m in her class.
What I’m really looking forward to are the last few weeks. Everybody has to give a 5-7 minute presentation on anything. We can literally choose whatever we want. All she demands is that our topics have a personal as well as an intellectual aspect, which makes sense considering the class is called ‘Integrated Language Skills’ and doesn’t have a real topic or anything. I’m not 100% sure what my topic is going to be, but Silent Planet’s Depths II has a solid 99% so far. It’s quite a lot of lyrical content so I’ll probably be focussing on the last few lines, although I might use a different part in the end:

‘ “I am the fire that is never quenched and I am the river that will not run dry”
And when I slept in that garden, Lord, did you see me as I was dreaming?
This is the end of everything, we’ll lose our divisions and forget our names.
The precipice of eternity. And I caught fire, I caught fire, I caught fire and you’ll watch me burn.’
-Silent Planet, “Depths II” (The Night God Slept, 2014)

I considered Depths (without the II) and I will probably use it instead of Depths II if I can’t manage to come up with a proper interpretation, but for now I’m working on this one. It’s gonna be fun. Garrett Russell, vocalist of Silent Planet, has a BA in English and philosophy and an MA in clinical psychology. His lyrics are amazing and I’m glad these guys put footnotes in their booklets to make my life a little easier.

Anyway, I’m living. It’s not as stressful as I thought it would be but it still distracts me for the better part of the day. Sometimes I still want to scream when waiting for my train, sometimes I leave my physical self behind and explore the empty void of my mind during a lecture, and sometimes I happen to have these thought of passive suicide. But, at least for now, my professional career is working for once. I know what I want to do and that’s already a step in the right direction.

Stay alive.


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