I have no alcohol and it feels terrible

I’m a little desperate right now. I’m still hypomanic (I got my vocabulary right), but I often have these moments when just a little thing ruins my entire day because I’m putting way too much thought into it.

Anyway, today is a weird day. I did a few things here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. I checked my bank account to see whether I got my taxes from 2015 back (you have to pay them, but you get them back if you stay under a limit of whatever) and I actually did. On my way back I passed by a local store where I could have bought some cheap alcohol (in fact, this was my intention when I left home) but I didn’t. I know I need to keep my money together and saving on alcohol seems like a smart thing to do.

I now regret this decision. Last year on this very day, my best friend of all times, a beautiful dog by the name of Nicky, died in my arms. I lit a candle for her, but it died twenty minutes afterwards because I only had a cheap one around that always drowns itself in its own wax. I talked to her and told her how much I still love her. I still don’t really get that she’s gone now.
Now I’m sitting here, already depressed, and listen to Jaguar. And in the background, I can hear how my mother and my little sister are mad at the rabbit because he (for whatever reason) keeps peeing everywhere. This makes me sad. I don’t know whether this little guy knows what he (in their eyes) did wrong. He is quite a smart guy so maybe he has a good reason to do this.

So, I’m basically sad because of today’s date and I don’t understand why people are angry at our little guy. My head hurts for whatever reason and I’m sitting here, listening to Jaguar. Can you understand why I want to get wasted?
A couple months ago, while depressed, I spent my Saturday evenings in my room, headphones plugged into my amp, playing bass to an Alestorm concert while taking swigs of rum whenever I could. I did this for a couple weeks, maybe five. Sometimes I started doing this in the morning already. It was the same concert every time because Alestorm make such a happy music that is a lot of fun (and makes me forget my problems).
This may not have been my proudest time, but at least I couldn’t grasp the problems I have (kind of like “I won’t find the answer but I will forget the problem”). At least I didn’t have suicidal thoughts while being drunk. I don’t intend to end it soon, but the thoughts are often present.

But today hasn’t been an entire mess. I helped my big sister disassemble her closet because she’s going to move soon. I was weight lifting. I got my little sister’s birthday present done. I continued cleaning up my room. I’m getting stuff done, but right now – and especially today – is just not my prime time.

My dearest friend, may your soul find peace after such uneasy last days that have been full of disease. I will see you again on the other side.

and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
-Revelation 21:4

Stay alive.

This is my little beauty. She’s the most precious being I have ever come across.


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