The last couple days have been rather weird for me. It feels like I’m slowly falling into that hole again. When I went to bed on Saturday and Sunday, I cried because I miss my dog so much. She died in my arms on September 30, 2015 and it still fills me with uneffable yet agonizing pain. May the Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace. I will see her again on the other side of the rainbow bridge. But I don’t want to cry right now which is why I’m not going to go into more detail about that…
I have officially applied for studying mathematics and English. Ideally, I will graduate in 4.5 years with the first Staatsexamen (translates to state examination). I don’t really know what I’m going to do afterwards but I have lots of time to think about that. Right now I’m aware of two possible outcomes and I would like to ramble a little about them.
First of all, during the third or fourth semester – depending on personal preference – I will officially go to school for the first time. For three months, I will watch other teachers do their job and, about at the end of the second month, I will be teaching a class under a teacher’s guidance. Depending on how well these three months go, I will decide what I will do after the first Staatsexamen.
If I like teaching as much as I think I do, I will apply for a Referandariat, which just is the practical part of a teacher’s education, where I will be doing normal teacher stuff for two years. After these two years there is the second Staatsexamen which would qualify me as a teacher. After the second Staatsexamen, there’s nothing that can stop you from teaching (except for not finding a job).
If I eventually find out that I don’t like teaching at all (for whatever reason) or if I end up desiring a scientific career instead, then the first Staatsexamen itself is a valid degree with which I can apply for promotion and become a doctor of mathematics. As such, there is no difference between me and a “normal” bachelor-master-doctor student and I have the very same possibilities (if not even more because then I would have a degree in English, too)
Whatever I do, I will end up being happy. I will either be teaching or researching. When I’m in a happy mood, I really dream of teaching, but when I hate every aspect of my life, I prefer being alone, doing maths. And when I’m sad and don’t think life is worth living anymore, there are only few things that keep me going.
I know that Jesus loves me and that he will always be there for me. Sometimes it’s tempting to take a shortcut to the kingdom of God by just ending it all prematurely, but there are still things that keep me here.
I wouldn’t be able to play bass guitar anymore. I would make my family cry, but I hate seeing people cry because I want everybody to be happy and not sad. I wouldn’t be able to do maths anymore. This sounds stupid but it’s what keeps me going. Those four things, basically. Faith, Music, Family, Maths.
In fact, I just wrote some sort of a paper on finding the x-values where a quadratic function equals zero. It’s nothing new but I got it all on my own which makes me happy because it showed me that I’m capable of this stuff. Writing scientific papers is weird and not as easy as I thought it would be (even in my native language) but I want to get better at it.
Talking about faith, I thought about the idea of tattoo a little more thoroughly. While I’m not going to get the big one I once wrote about yet (a cross on my neck with “Jumala on rakkaus” below), I would love to get one or two smaller ones. I’m not certain, yet, what exactly I want to have where, but my three favorites are ‘Sisu’, ‘Jeesus pelastaa’ [Jesus saves] and ‘Usko Herraan’ [Faith in the Lord].
And by now, I’m really tired. I’ve rambled enough for now and it feels good to just put some random thoughts out there where maybe someone reads them, but none of those readers knows me personally. There are no limits to what I can write because nobody can judge me, isn’t this amazing?
Stay in love, stay alive.