This is such a weird world we live in. I don’t really understand anything humanity-related anymore, and I don’t even know why. This life just feels like the mere shadow of an existence enclosed in a skin-tight prison of sorrow that’s numbing anything one could feel. It feels like this life has lost all of its meaning with the exception of the pure existence for the glory of God.
The only bit of light I can really see lies in a mixture of change and homeostasis that can’t logically exist. It’s like having two choices – either stay with people you like and do something you hate, or vice versa. But I want to stay with the people I like and do something I love. In the end, I will do what I love and hope to find new people that I can like, which I know is going to happen, yet my mind doesn’t want to accept that.
When my first semester began, I was afraid that there wouldn’t be anybody I might like, but after all I met so many amazing people that are so kind. Now that I want to study maths instead of physics, I’m afraid of leaving those people behind and getting to know some new folks.
One might say that I can simply stay in contact with them, but for some reason I really suck at that. I’m barely in contact with my friends from school anymore although I really love them. Ever since I left school, my life seems to have gotten worse, but I want it to get better.
I want to stay in contact with my friends but my friends themselves are losing contact with each other. Some drifted apart, things have changed since summer of 2015, but I want everything to be the same again.
I once had the dream to study engineering, but then I went for physics instead. Both dreams are shattered and I don’t really give a shit about that. Dreams are meant to fall apart until you find that one thing you are willing to hold together and not give up. I know that university is not meant to be easy, but if my mind is blocking everything that tries to enter my brain I can’t force myself to like something that fills me with disapproval.
Anyway, other things that happened recently… I talked to a counselor at my universtiy about studying to become a maths teacher and by now I’m pretty sure I wanna go that path although there still are a few things I need to figure out before switching subjects eventually. I still need to attend a few maths lectures to get an average idea of what studying maths is like. I’ve pretty much learnt my lesson that attending only two or three lectures doesn’t give you much of an idea of what you are getting yourself into. I also want to try and hang around an actual maths teacher for a day or two to see what his work day really is like.
The only thing I really am a little desperate about is what second class I would like to teach as teachers need to study two subjects (except for music and arts teachers). There are a few subject that would catch my interest, like religious education (the protestant version of it) or history, but those require certain language skills that I don’t have. To study RE, I would need a Graecum which means that I would have to learn Greek. While I understand the necessity of that, I’m not very keen on that. To study history, I need to prove skills in three foreign languages – for me, those would be English, Latin and a third one, but my Finnish is not really good enough for anything. The thing is that I could probably enhance my Finnish skills far enough to pass at least an A2 exam, but then I would study history in German which would feel weird I think. I’ve never had German history classes because I was in a bilingual class all the time.
Another option might be to combine maths and English, but I don’t really know whether I could be an English teacher… despite not having really used English ever since graduating from school I really like this language for whatever reason, but being a teacher is always a little different. However, a more ‘talky’ subject next to a very analytical one might be nice to have. I’ll see what I’m going to do in the end. Dead line for my request on changing subjects is around mid-July.
What else is note-worthy… I had a nice extended weekend. For whatever reason, I burnt myself a second time on the very same spot I did the first time; this is getting pathethic.
By now I wrote myself out of my bad mood.