I’m happy. But I feel old.

I’m currently shifting into a very happy phase. I’m laughing a lot, talking lots of stupid stuff and I feel like hugging the world. Now that I sort of conciously witnessed this change I realized one or two things about the differences between those two states.

For one, I still feel kinda old, just like during the down phase. I’m 19 years old, gonna turn 20 this August, but I feel so old. I don’t know whether that’s because I suddenly traded a physical job (postal service) for a student’s life or because of some other reason. In any case, I feel old, as if I had lived a lot more of my life than I actually have.
This may also be because all my heroes are getting older, too. Bobby Liebling crossed the 60-line years ago, Lemmy is dead, Stephan Weidner speaks with the wisdom of centuries, Brian Ross looks like he had died twice already and Max Cavalera is getting fat. I feel like I belong to the seventies and eighties, I feel like I should’ve been in small clubs, attending gigs of those very first bands that created Metal. I feel like I should’ve been walking on the street with hundreds of other people, screaming anti-governmental stuff and tearing down the wall. This is where I feel like I should’ve been, but instead I was born in 1996, yet my mind is stuck in those times. In fact, I’m listening to The Exploited right now –  it brings back memories I’ve never had.

Do you remember those times when a website took more than one or two seconds to load? I do. Do you remember music tapes and diskettes? I do. Yay, even more things that makes me feel old!

But then, on the other side, I still have the vitality and creativity of a young person. I write songs for a project called “Cake Killer” that are all about killing cake. I get drunk on any occasion and don’t have any problems being up for some fourty hours and more. When attending concerts, I like the pogo zones and always try to be part of the wall of death.
I still want to change things and rise above all the stupid conventions society has come up with for some reason that’s just not up to date anymore.

To conclude, I often feel old, but then I realize that I am not old and that I want to do stuff. Lots of stuff. So much stuff that my life probably isn’t going to be long enough for doing it all. But I want to make the most out of the time I have.

Another thing I realized while leaving the down phase was my loss of interest in some things. When I’m down, I do things like working out or writing this blog to distract myself from myself. Now, however, I don’t feel the need to work out anymore. I still do some push-ups every now and then, but compared to the down phase I’m way behind schedule.
I’m also less frequently looking at this blog. I am happy and I have nothing to say about that. Depressing thoughts, however, can fill books
As I lose interest in some things, I get interested in some other things again, too. I just started reading a book about unsolved mathematical problems and have two or three more about the mathematical structure of our universe to come afterwards And finally, those topics catch my interest again. It’s just amazing. This is how life can go on.

What was the point of this post? I have no idea. I’m happy and that’s all I can say about it. During happy phases, I’m going to post less frequently it seems because I’m just too busy enjoying life for no particular reason, but I might upload some more or less philosophy-related posts in which I write about those ‘dark’ thoughts of down phases from a more clear-headed point of view. Maybe. I don’t know, yet.

Stay alive.


2 thoughts on “I’m happy. But I feel old.

  1. So young so wise! If only my children where so. They are smart but they are pretty much self-focused and not believers in the slightest sense.


    1. Sorry for answering so late, but for some reason I didn’t see your comment until now. It actually flatters me a little when you say I’m wise because it often feels like I’m running in circles. After re-reading this post, I now see how my thoughts were all over the place and never on a straight line, somewhere lost in madness.
      Thank you for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

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