The sun is shining but I don’t care. It’s beautiful outside but why should I even care. I just want to lay down in my bed and sleep and either never wake up again, or wake up with all the sorrow gone. It’s just bullshit, this entire thing in itself, yet I don’t know why.
I want to go to university, and I do go to university, but every day I’m fearful because everything is different from what I’m used to. It’s nothing like school, but I loved school, as weird as it sounds… I want to study physics, but I don’t want to be forced into this new, social enviroment. I want to learn and, once I feel ready to do so, slowly start getting into this new enviroment. This is impossible, period. There’s no way to do such a thing because I need to be social for doing this thing with university. They even told us that lonewolfs won’t last long because it’s so much easier to work in a group of people. But I can’t join a group I don’t know, it takes so long for me to overcome all the fear and insecurities.
It seems so easy to just go away. I don’t want to kill myself, that’s not an option for me, so don’t worry about that, but… it’s like when I was sitting at the train station that one time. I could’ve just not gotten on that train, but for some odd reason I did. My mind is so split. I want to go to university, but I don’t want to go to all the people studying with me. Fuck it.
On another note, I want to get a tattoo… somewhere on my upper back. In beautiful letters, I would like to read “Jumala on rakkaus”, which is a Finnish Bible quote and means “God is love”. I’m not sure whether I would want to add “Ja joka pysyy rakkaudessa, se pysyy Jumalassa, ja Jumala pysyy hänessä” which would translate to something like “And those who remain in love will remain in God, and God will remain in them” (obviously less of a literal translation, but you get the point).
Besides, I hate sundays. They just suck. There’s nothing to do. Nothing but bullshit on TV. And the day after sunday is monday which sucks, too.
But still, I will try to stay alive if you do, too.