Just to give you guys some sort of a way of estimating how I sometimes feel, I wanna share this little story with you.
About three, maybe three and a half weeks ago, I had some sort of extreme breakdown. There is no real story behind it. I was working for my country’s postal service to cover that gap between school and university (which only existed because I had no clue what to do after school) and my contract ended on March 12. Accordingly, I had about four weeks to organize whatever I had to – tell the health care insurance I don’t have a real job anymore, get the last bit of formalities done before the semester begins… the usual stuff.
But on that very day, I didn’t feel all that well. My head felt like it was going to explode, my body was weaker than it has ever been and my stomach was a black hole for all food. At some point, my brain just blacked out. It was similar to when you stand up too quickly and everything blurrs out. The only difference was that this state didn’t end within a couple seconds. I just remained pseudo-blind and not capable of fulfilling simple mental tasks.
Semi-conciously, I went into my room and looked for a candle. Once I had one, I went into the basement and looked for a screwdriver – I found one. Back in my room, I realized that my lighter was pretty much out of fuel thus only gave a small flame that didn’t last long enough to light a candle. Being somehow able to fulfill this task, I got some piece of paper which was easily set on fire by the lighter and used it to light the candle.
Still with a blacked out mind, I took the screwdriver, heated it up in the candle’s flame, removed my t-shirt and slowly started burning s cross into my upper arm, just where it would be covered by the arm sleeve. The first touch hurt quite a bit, but then I got used to it and did some burnings twice, just to be sure. When I was done, my entire upper arm was red. After a couple hours, however, I could see my burnt skin forming a cross.
In the beginning, this thing was pulsating, red and covered in a blister. At some point, it ws just brown. It’s dead skin that has been exposed to extreme heat, I guess it makes sense that it turned brown. Now, after a couple weeks, it’s red, just like I imagined a burn scar. But for some reason I am disappointed that it is already fading away. I am not very good at getting scars (I know there are a lot of people who would love to never get scars. but I’m not really one of them) but I thought this was going to work. I mean, when my upper arm went back to normal color again, I realized I left out one or two spots and did those again (not because of another breakdown, but because I’m a perfectionist).
So, this probably has been my heaviest breakdown so far. It wasn’t much fun at all. I will give you a pic of my left arm where you can see the scar. I took it a few days ago, the cross is already fading away and you can barely see it.
But two things have changed after this event. I started to work out, especially when I’m down, and it feels good. There’s not much change to see, but I don’t really care as long as my limbs are burning.
The other thing is that I stopped masturbating after burning myself. I am a religious person and I believe that – putting it in extreme words – God has bought our souls by sacrificing his son. By burning myself, I finally surrendered my life to Him. It just doesn’t feel right to follow this pleasure anymore, now that I bear this sign on my skin, and I don’t really feel the lust necessary to follow it anymore either.
Now I’m going to play some bass guitar and get drunk while doing so. None of my friends want to go out this weekend and I want to forget all those earthly fears and doubts, even if it only is for one evening. Plus, I don’t get hangovers. I will see you guys at Nancy’s.
Try and stay alive, dear fellows